Do you ever do something and wonder how it'll affect you later? Have you ever made a decision and because of that decision your life changed?
I recently made a decision that has really been affecting me if I have time to think about it. When I'm busy, I don't have the chance to think about how I'm not doing something anymore, or how I've lost a major part of my life. I was depending on this part of my life too much, and when I realized that I shouldn't, it was like someone took the chair out from underneath me and I fell to the floor. Do you know how bad it hurts when you hit the floor? Unfortuantely ice won't help numb my pain, I just have to deal with it.
What's really bad is that I knew things wouldn't change, yet I still went for it. Things didn't change and now I'm pissed off at myself. I'm pissed that I didn't learn from my mistakes and that I let myself get attached (again) and here I am broken - again. Sometimes I don't think I'm smart at all - I wonder why Purdue gave me a degree. I'm guessing it is because engineer is pretty straightforward, and emotions are not.
It kind of reminds me of the part of the Sex in the City movie where Miranda is trying to do a pros and cons of her marriage and then gets foam on her lip from her drink and decides to go for it. There was no logical reason for that, it was purely emotional. I totally get it, and I always fall for it.
I need a rule book for my feelings. But if I had one, would I follow the rules? Aren't rules made to be broken?
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